A Book Rated X

This year one of my goals is to read the entire Bible. I have never done this. If I am being completely honest, in the past, I have been lucky to read a Proverb a day! In the past couple of years, I have definitely gotten deeper into The Word, but still felt like I was missing so much. I truly have a desire to have my OWN opinions about what I am reading and not to just go off of what someone else thinks or says. Because after all, I can form my opinions, thank you very much!

Did you know that the Bible was rated X!?!? I have just finished Genesis and OH MY GOSH!!!! I have absolutely LOVED reading through Genesis. You have your classic stories; Creation, Adam & Eve, Noah, Abraham & Sarah, Jacob, and Joseph. I mean duh, everyone knows those stories right?! However, there is SO much more in this one book!

Here is a brief summary of some of the scandals in Genesis (this is per the NLT version):

-Cain and Abel are the first siblings. Cain was the oldest and had an anger/jealously problem. Cain kills his own brother Abel. Cain is cursed by God. Genesis 4

-Noah gets drunk after the flood. (How did I miss that?) Genesis 9:20

-God tells Abraham he is going to have a son. Abraham tells Sarah and she takes matter into her own hands and lets him sleep with her maid, Hagar. Sarah thinks by Hagar sleeping with her hubby that this is how God must have intended her to have a son, right? I mean hello, Sarah is OLD and barren, right? Ishmael is born from Abraham and Hagar. This is the beginning of the Muslim faith. Crazy, huh?

- Abraham and Sarah had a son named Isaac. He would carry the blessing of his family and be the one to father many nations. At a party after Isaac was born, Hagar and Ishmael were there too. Can you imagine? It is like the ex-wife and current wife with their own children by the same dad all at a party.... Ya, I think that this scenario is watched for entertainment by some everyday on a little show called Jerry Springer! Anyway, Sarah doesn't like that Hagar and Ishmael are making fun of Isaac so she tells Abraham to make them leave. Naturally, Abraham doesn't know what to do, so he goes to the Lord for advice. God says, "...DO WHATEVER SARAH TELLS YOU!!!!" (Genesis 21:12) Not sure why that just makes me smile.... sometimes, I wish David's name was Abraham and my name was Sarah. ;) Isaac is the chosen son. To continue the above verse of Genesis 21:12 - God tells Abraham that it is Isaac through whom your descendants will be counted. And thus, you can now understand from the beginning the issues and rivalries that the Jews and Muslims have had with one another. Honestly, I would have been pretty pissed too if I was Ishmael and for 13 years I was told/thinking I was going to be all that and a bag of chips and then a little baby comes along and the tides turn. I get it. I digress.
Naturally there is a big fight, and Hagar and Ishmael are kicked out. The hatred begins between the two families (nations/religions).

-Lot, Abraham's nephew, has two angels come to his door to tell him and his family to leave the city. The city is so corrupt that the men of the city are banging on his door to have sex with the angels! (WHAT!!) Read it, it's in there. (Genesis 19:5) Lot actually offers his two virgin daughters to the men of the city to protect the angels. The angels tell Lot to leave the city and take his family. The angels told Lot and his family to not look back at the city of Sodom and Gomorrah as it was going to be destroyed. His wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. (Genesis 19:25).

-After the destruction of the city, Lot and his two daughters moved into a cave. The girls were worried that there were not any men left to marry, and they wanted to have babies. They devised a plan. The oldest daughter got her dad (Lot) drunk and slept with him. She got preggo. (Seriously, so gross!) If that wasn't enough, the youngest daughter did the same thing! (Throw. Up. Now). (Genesis 20:32-38).

-Abraham is asked to sacrifice his own son, Isaac. He was tested. He obeyed. God had favor on him. Could you do that if God asked you to sacrifice your son? Talk about some SERIOUS faith! (Genesis 23:12)

-Isaac married Rebekah. She got preggo with twins. Jacob and Esau. Have you heard the story? While she was preggo the twins fought inside her belly! She was distraught over the unborn babies fighting and asked God what was up?! He said that the babies will be two nations and they will be rivals. One nation will be stronger than the other and that your older son will serve your younger son. When Rebekah gave birth Esau was born first. When Jacob came out, he was grasping Esau's heel. (Genesis 25: 21-26). Isaac favored Esau and Rebekah favored Jacob. Jacob tricked Esau into giving him his birthright. Then right before Isaac died, Rebekah overhead Isaac telling Esau that he wanted to give him his blessing. She went to Jacob and they devised a plan to have Jacob get the blessing instead of Esau. Dressed in Esau's clothes, and a meal cooked by Rebekah, Jacob got the blessing from Isaac and Esau ended up with no birthright or blessing. He was pissed! I would be too!! (Genesis 27). The two brothers do eventually make up.

-Jacob meets a hot chick named Rachel. He wants to marry her. He works 7 years to marry her. On the day of their wedding, her father gives Jacob her older sister Leah to marry instead. AFTER he sleeps with her, he goes to his father-in-law and tells him that he wanted to marry Rachel, not Leah! He works another 7 years to get Rachel. So 14 years later, he has got the girl he wanted (plus Leah, and two other wives that are the girl's servants). Jacob ended up with 12 sons, and his two favorite we the youngest coming from Rachel; Joseph and Benjamin. Jacob is still working for his father-in-law but feels he is ready to move out on his own and prosper. He makes a deal with the father-in-law; "Don't give me anything. Just do this one thing, and I'll continue to tend and watch over your flocks. Let me inspect your flocks today and remove all the sheep and goats that are speckled or spotted, along with all the black sheep. Give these to me as my wages. In the future when you check on the animals you have given me as my wages, you'll see that I have been honest. If you find in my flock any goats without speckles or spots, or any sheep that are not black, you will know that I have stolen them from you." (Genesis 30:31-33). Naturally, the father-in-law agreed. The cool part about this is - that EVERY sheep, & goat got speckles or spots or were black! Ironic huh? Talk about FAVOR! LOL.

-Jacob and God wrestle. God touched Jacob's hip and wrenched it out of its socket. (Genesis 32:24). Even to this day, people of Israel don't eat tendons near the hip socket because of what happened that night! (Genesis 32:32).

-Jacob's only daughter Dinah was raped. The prince that did this to her wanted forgiveness from her brothers and dad. They said if the entire city gets circumcised they would agree to forgive him and live as one people. If the city didn't get circumcised they would take her away. The entire city agreed to be circumcised. (Can you imagine?) Knowing they weren't fully recovered yet from the circumcision, two of Dinah's older brothers changed their mind about there agreement with the men of the city. While the men were still in pain, they went and killed all of them. "They seized all the flocks and herds and donkeys - everything they could lay their hands on, both inside the town and outside in the fields. They looted all their wealth  and plundered their houses. They also took all their little children and wives and led them away as captives." (Genesis 34:28-29). TALK ABOUT REVENGE!!!!

-I feel like everyone knows the story of Joseph, there is even a Broadway play about him! Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat! (Yes, I did perform in it and yes, at one time I knew all the colors in his coat.) Anyway, the last scandalous story that is in Genesis is about Joseph's older brother Judah. Judah had three sons. His oldest son Er was wicked and was killed. The second son, Onan, married, Tamar, the girl that Er was supposed to live happily ever after with. Onan didn't particularly like this girl. We know that because THE BIBLE SAYS "But Onan was not willing to have a child who would not be his own heir. So whenever he had intercourse with his brother's wife, he spilled the semen on the ground." Genesis 38:9. If your jaw is on the ground, don't worry - mine was too. But this story gets even better. So Onan died because he was a disgrace to his family and God for not making babies. Judah's third son wasn't old enough to marry yet, so Judah told Tamar to go back and live with your parents and when Shelah (Judah's third son) gets old enough I will send for you and you can marry him. Naturally, Judah meant nothing of the sort. He felt she was wicked because two of his sons had already died while being with her. So Judah sure didn't want his last son dying because of some chick! HELLO! (makes sense right?) Well, Shelah was of marrying age, and no one notifies Tamar. She hears through the grapevine that Judah is coming to town to shear some sheep. Naturally, she disguises herself as a prostitute and sits outside of town waiting for Judah. He takes the bait. They discuss a price, he offers a goat. She wants collateral. He gives her his ID badge, cord and walking stick. They get it on. She gets preggo. Fast forward a couple of months, Judah's servant goes back to the town where Tamar lives and looks for a prostitute to pay with the goat. No prostitute is found. He asks the locals about this girl and no one has ever seen a prostitute in this town! The servant takes the goat back to Judah. The servant tells him what happened and Judah simply says well we get an "E" for Effort and let's all move on. Naturally, through the same grapevine Judah hears that Tamar is pregnant from prostituting herself. He wants her killed! When she is being dragged to the place of death she screams out saying "I have this stuff right here; ID badge, cords and a walking stick of the man I slept with!" Instantly Judah saw the items were his and he ceased the murder. He never slept with her again. (Genesis 38:20-26). Talk about be sure your sins will find you out!!!!! Opps.

THE END.

Are you still with me?! Doesn't that make you want to read the book for yourself? Talk about juicy!!! OMG! I don't know where I was when all of these stories were read in church.... haha... ;) Needless to say, I am really enjoying reading, learning, and growing more and more every day. I am THIRSTY for truth and knowledge. I am excited to learn, and I pray that I will ALWAYS have a teachable spirit!